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So - because I have no where to put all the shit I came home from school with. While trying to climb out of my room (for those of you who don't know exactly how messy my room can get - I advise speaking with someone who does know) my foot went into the top of the box for my xbox - hurt a little not that bad and then..........I decided it would be a fun idea to pull my foot out...and now my toe doesn't want to bend. I'm awesome. It's not purple - so I'm exaggerating when I say I think I broke it - but it's been hurting for two days now - I probably just jammed it real nice. I'm a fucking asshole.
It seems that every year I think that coming home will solve my unhappiness that usually comes at the end of school. And every year I'm wrong. I need somewhere that isn't school and that isn't home BEFORE I loose my sanity. Home has fixed absolutely nothing.
I also sleep - a ridiculous amount - which is scaring me a bit. Yea, when you fall asleep at like 1 in the morning and wake up at like 2 in the afternoon everyday, you have problems...
I'm happy to be away from something and some people at school. But I don't know if home is where I want to be. And this summer, I think I have to figure alot of things out that I don't particularly feel like figuring out.
Also - boo to the fact that my extradonary grades this semester could not even make me happy for more than 3 hours. (3.92 - be jealous people - I worked my ass off this semester...leaving me with a cum of 3.71 - which, if I can keep stable, will secure my graduation with the distinction of magna cum laude (slightly disappointed there is no mathematical way for me to graduate sigma cum laude....oh well) but yea. made me smile for 2 hours. then I was mad it wasn't a 4.0...and I don't want to hear people bitch to me that I say that...when I got to college, i didn't know what it was like to get below a fucking 95 on a test - if I got a 90 on a test - I thought I had failed...so shhh.)
I used to know who I was, actually I used to have a strong sense of self - and now I feel like I have no idea who I am. And - I've been starting to need other people to keep me happy - and I always said I couldn't be that person for other people - so I don't know what the fuck to do with myself.
I need to get the fuck out of this house - like now.
(x-posted from myspace for britt.)Current Mood:  out of my fucking mind Current Music: daniel powter - bad day |
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Damn you Ryan, everytime I talk to you I want to go home a whole lot more.
Monday, my dear friend, Monday.
And come visit me this weekend - you and Tree - kthnx. END OF STORY. kthnx. Bye.
P.S. 20 lbs! May 15th - thats a CHALLENGE. Clearly we need to start being anorexic, now, or that goal will not be reached. I still say 20 lbs by August... |
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So, I couldn't sleep last night - god only knows why - I tried - it just wasn't happening.
So I slept for a hot 2 hours.
I decided after going to work and class and picking up my package at kelly that I would benefit from a nap. Yea - now I'm a awake and my head is fucking THROBBING. I am ceasing from writing this because I can no longer see and I feel like I'm going to throw up everywhere. I feel amazing. </sarcasm> |
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Mar. 4th, 2006 @ 03:56 am
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Things I did today:
Went to BOTH my classes. (I made it to every class this week. I want a cookie for this accomplishment)
Started studying analysis. (I got through a massive chunk of chapter 1 - of the 23 exercises I was able to do 20...this means nothing by the way - I probably will still fail my midterm.)
Read chapter 2 of my criminal law text. (Another 50 pages down. I am now only 1 chapter behind.)
Worked on Hist of Math Presentation. (I highlighted some shit about Fibonacci's life in stuff I prited out. I can't do much until I get his Book of Squares on Monday.)
Returned my rediculously late DVDs to BBV. (Yea, I suck and am going to owe BBV another $1.36)
Laundry. (I did 2 loads. I still have 3 to do.)
Picked up my paycheck. (For the first time in about 3 weeks I have a small amount of money. This will not last long.)
Went to the bank. (AND I put said money in the bank. w00t.)
Oh yea, I ate poptarts, granola bars, potato chips and a chicken sangwich from the BK Lounge.
Now it's time for me to sleep until noon tomorrow and get the follow things done tomorrow:
Study analysis. (The rest of chapter 1 and hopefully most of chapter 2 will be finished tomorrow.)
Work on Hist of Math Presentation some more. (I guess I'll type some shit into ppt.)
Read chapter 3 in criminal law text. (I'm soooo close to caught up. :) )
More laundry. (Sheets, comforter and towels.)
yuuup - sounds like I have a fabulous day ahead of me tomorrow. |
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Feb. 21st, 2006 @ 05:29 am
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WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I DON'T EAT?!?!?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR! |
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Dec. 26th, 2005 @ 02:49 am
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So...It's been a million years since my last update. But I'm home and I have nothing better to do right now, so I'll fill you in on how my life has been going.
Finals are over - they didn't go so well. I'm still waiting for the grade in one class - but this semester so far I'm pulling a 3.1 and getting credit for everything - we'll see what happens with the last class. Finals were really stressful - couldn't eat, didn't sleep. Studied alot. Felt like it was pointless - but what can you do. I decided, I'm getting a degree with math, don't want to do anything with math. I'm definately want to go to law school now, I just need to keep a decent gpa and whatnot at this point and take the lsats...haha, and maybe join some clubs. But yea, I'm pretty fucking sick of math. 5 classes, that's what I keep telling myself - - 5 more classes...but yea, school is happening and thats that.
My birthday was a little over a week ago. I must say it was probably the best birthday I can remember having. Very very good times. Thank you everyone for making it absolutely fabulous. Having a good birthday made finals a little more bearable.
So, I'm home now. Let me fill you in on the sitauation with that. Two weeks ago, my mom was going to the gym, ironically, when she slipped on some ice near the door, landing on her knee, breaking her knee cap in two places. She had to have surgery and now has two screws in her knee. Needless to say, she can't bend her knee at the moment. She can walk short distances on crutches, she can't stand for extended periods of time, nor can she drive, get up and down stairs, and whatnot. Pretty much, she can sit with her leg up and lay down with a pillow under her leg. She can't clean or cook or any of that stuff. I came home on thursday. I feel very displaced - because she can't get up the stairs and I have the only room on the first floor - I don't exactly have a room. I'm sleeping on an air matress in the middle of the living room. I haven't gotten much sleep since I've been home because I have to wake up very early to do stuff for her. Within the first 12 hours I was home - my dad yelled at me 4 times - sending me into tears. Mind you, I had just finished finals, one of the worst finals weeks I had ever experienced, am running on very little sleep and my body has been deprived of food due to nausea induced by anxiety. I was not in the best of mental states. The following day I decorated the whole house because none of that had been done and what not. I did alot of stuff - at around 4 - I sat on the couch and in doing so, fell asleep - tell me why my father starts yelling at me for falling asleep. GAH! Then he yells at me for joking about the fact that she's hurt with her - when earlier in the freaking day she said "I'm glad your home because at least you can make me laugh about the whole thing." GRRR. So last night, Christmas Eve, we went to church and tried to go to my aunt's house but my mom couldn't get in. So everyone came out to the car and we came back here. Then, today we did nothing. I slept all day, which was the only time I've been able to sleep since like November. Then dinner happened, then I slept some more. Then dessert and whatnot.
What I really can't deal with is how she feels sorry for herself though. That's the thing that's going to make it hard to deal with for a month. I know it's frustrating and I know it sucks, but don't sit there and constantly remind me that it sucks. Trust me, I know it sucks, I know it's not fun,I know it doesn't feel good. I also know that you could get through it without crocodile tears. She doesn't even cry - she crocodile tears. Fucking A. And she wants sympathy from everyone. I don't know. I wish I could go back to school. And I know it's horrible to say. But honestly, I just really don't want to have to deal with this on top of the fact that I'm already not the happiest person in the world when I'm home. Yea.
So, I think I'm going to go to bed to be woken up at god knows what time because I'm in the middle of the living room...Current Mood:  blah |
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:)
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Oct. 23rd, 2005 @ 03:37 am
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I realized...that I've been pretty happy recently. Even with all the drama surrounding me. I was very apprehensive over the summer about how this semester would turn out. And it's halfway through, and I guess I could say I'm pretty damned happy. :) Tuesday is my parent's anniversary and my brother's birthday. I kinda want to suprise them and go home. In the past few months I've met some really kick-ass people. I'm questioning what I want to do with math in the future and lean more towards law every day. I definately know I don't want to teach. But I used to want to go to grad school before law school and I don't know if I want to do that anymore, I question my intellengence on that account - if I'm not smart enough then I'm not smart enough, whatever, I would love to do it but I just might not be able to. I've always loved law, and I've taken an interest in elder law recently. Math isn't fucking easy- I still like it, but it's alot harder than I thought it would be. Went to the city today - it was fun, got soaked but whatever. I need to start going to the gym so I can meet my goal of loosing 20 lb s.... I just with I had alot more time during the day. Like an extra, oh, say 12 hours would be amazing. Anyway, don't have much to talk about right now. ::smiles big:: :-DCurrent Mood:  happy Current Music: Bon Jovi - I'll be there for you |
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Oct. 20th, 2005 @ 01:08 pm
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I NEED TO GET SLEEEEEEEEP |
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Sep. 20th, 2005 @ 10:32 pm
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Sometimes my head hurts really bad when I just want to cry but won't let myself.Current Mood:  sad Current Music: Motion City Soundtrack - Time Turned Fragile |
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This is me being sad. Right now. It's 2:47 am and I should be sleeping because I haven't, but I had the BRIGHT idea to get starbucks, which was amazing. I am in love with my black & white mocha frappachino. Anyway, I'm sitting here in the suite, and I feel slightly fat. Due to my eating habits. Food and I have a love/hate relationship. Right now, we're in the love phase. I seriously go through moments where I'm near anorexic and then I turn obese and eat everything. I got back to my room at around 11:30 from Anthony helping me with Calc 4, which, took far longer than I ever thought it would, and I feel HORRIBLE. But yea, so I walk in, and I'm like mmm, frustrated about math, so I'm all like lala, and one of the girls was like "I'm hungry." and all I can say is "I could go for some starbucks." So, we load into my car and we go to wendy's and then to starbucks and then come back. And then we went to Kelly to get ice cream. Yuup, fatties at their best over here. Bleh. I got my hw as done as it's gonna get, I really can't figure it out, I'm gonna have to go to office hours which kind of sucks, but I guess you gotta do what you gotta do, especially in classes in your major. I got my perm schedule for work today. Mondays 9pm - 12am, Wednesday 5:30 - 7:30, Thursdays 1:30 - 4:30. Sooooo, I don't work any weekends, I also don't work Tuesdays, and I get out of class at 1:45 on tuesdays, sooooo if anyone ever is free on a Tuesday let me know what's up. I'm sitting here, in the common room because my roommate is sleeping. Let me talk a little about my roommate, she didn't know what a condom was, granted, I'm a fucking virgin (and proud of it!), but I have known what a condom is for quite some time now, how did she ever make it through high school without finding out, how did she make it through health class, she's from Queens for christ sake. Anyway, she was in bed one day before I freaking got back from work, and tell me whyyyyyyyy she locked me out the other day when she went to bed. I was in the living room, what the hell. I kinda want to move to the apartments and have a single so I don't have to share a room with anyone. I do get along with my suitemates for the most part as well. I really like them. They like to eat and I have a love affair with food, so it's cool. My job is okay. It's spending money, and I work with some really nice people. It rained like all fuck today, I was soaked at work. But, whatever. I find myself extremely busy and I'm only taking 3 classes, but I need to get more sleep, because I'm finding it hard to stay awake in class. I did stay awake in the class that I've fallen asleep in every time I've had it today though, why, because I was looking over my math homework. I'm kinda bummed that I could go out tonight because of my homework, but school is more important than one night, and I'm sure there will be many other nights. My stomach hurts right now, I really think I ate too much now. :( Fucking food, I need to stop being obese, I am the fattest fatty in all the land right now. Tree was home on Tuesday, it was amazing seeing her, I really miss her. I can't wait til she's back in NY in January, although it's majorly cool that she's working at fucking Space Mountain. My back has been bothering me lately, probably due to the tatas. What the hell else is new? It's the first thing said when I'm seen. "Your BOOBS!" It's gotten to the point of rediculousness, but fucking back is killing me right now, it's spazzing out. :( Not exactly the most pleasant feeling in the world. I've been really fucking emotional this week, due to the fact that I'm a girl, and it happens for a week at a time, yea, well. Bleh. I'm lonely. I hate being like this. Like, when I'm with my friends I have a blast and shit. But sometimes, I just want someone I can hug and snuggle with and make out with for hours on end, and ...whatnot. I want someone I can talk to and babble to and it'll be cool. I want someone to make me laugh and smile and happy. I want someone to lay in my bed with me right now, and just hold me until I fall asleep. I want someone to kiss my forehead and put my hair behind my ear. I want someone to tickle attack me and play fight with. And it's not that I just want SOMEONE, or anyone. I want someone that I genuinely like and that likes me. And I want it to work and last for a while, and gah. I want to not have the feeling that I'm going to die old and alone with a million dogs in an apartment. I hate the fact that nothing ever seems to work out for me. I think sometimes, that I just have tooooo much personality. Meaning I'm all over the place, emotionally and physcially. I'm crazy, I'm out of my mind. And I guess, that's just me. I think people get tired of me really fast, because I can be exhausting :(. And sometimes, I get cranky, and whatever. I can be a spoiled brat and crap. I think I'm just one of those people who you can't be friends with forever because I'll drive you crazy. I hate that I constantly think about the fact that I'm alone and I hate that I see other people together and all I can think is "I want that." And it's not like I'm like "GRRR, YOU HAVE THAT!" I just want it, too. I just want someone to hold my hand and to hold me. And to hug me and hug me and never let me go. I hate that I haven't had someone to talk to for hours on end on the phone to in over a year. I used to kill minutes, who goes over 1100 minutes, I did. Maybe I'm just a boring person, or annoying, or I don't know. Gah, and I hate how I can think about this for hours on end and it upsets me to no avail. And everyone tells me someday I'll find someone, well why can't that day be like tomorrow. For christ sake, I want someone to get into stupid fights with and to make up with. I WANT TO HAVE NOTHING FIGHTS ABOUT JELLY! (Dane reference.) I want to not feel like walking away from 40 - 50 cds. (Another one!) I don't care about hard times because whatever, I KNOW the good times would be sooo much better. I want to not care that I'm the biggest dork ever. Can I find someone who gets my sense of humor and who makes me laugh my ass off? I want someone to take me to the beach to see the sunrise. I want to fall head over heals. I want to smile like I mean it.... Okay, I've rambled on enough. If anyone read all this, I love you.
I want to kiss someone, like right now. All aggressive like too. I want my tongue in someone's mouth. Yea, that was gross. Whatever.
I'll update soon.Current Mood: lonely |
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Aug. 14th, 2005 @ 06:04 pm
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So yesterday was an adventure. :)
The original plan was to leave at 10:30, but we didn't hit the road til 11ish. We were moving great until about 11:40 when we were SOOO close. We started to slow down, then we came to a halt and didn't move like at all. I had to pee...once we got on the island, so I ran out of the car and found a secuded place to pee. Then met Ryan at the entrance. We went in, and got our schedule together. We didn't see Recieving End tho, so we wandered and found the Ernie Ball stage which was our home. Recieving End, Circa Survive and Bleed the Dream all played there. So, so we were JUST in time for Recieving End who were quite excellent. We then made a trip to the bathroom for Ryan, and then got some water and drink stuffs. We wandered and I called my manager and we met up with her. We soon headed to listen to Circa, who were simply amazing. Then I think we got some food? and more water. We went back for Bleed the Dream and then we made our way to catch the end of the Dropkick Murphys. Then, as everyone fled we made position, for MxPx was to play next! The HIGHLIGHT OF MY DAY. They played Chick Magnet and Punk Rawk Show, and :) :) :) like three songs from The Everpassing Moment, which was the cd that I started listening to them with. They played a couple of new songs as well. I really want to see them when they come back in the fall. As well as the Fall Out Boy & Panic! and whatnot. Then I believe we got Lemonade and then I peed and we got food. And we caught the end of Acceptance and then we wandered and we caught some A thorn for every side. And then we went over to My Chemical Romance and started to make our move for Fall Out Boy and made friends with some fellow fans. We were listening to the Offspring while waiting for FOB to start. So, FOB starts and it's insanity. Crowd surfers like woah, I lost my sunglasses with a crowd surfer to my head, but we were surviving, until a crowd surfer took out our new found friend, Ally, and we rushed her backwards toward openness. We enjoyed the rest of FOB at a distance, then Ry and I headed on the journey to the car. What a journey it was. We get there make our way home and went through a drive through DD. Life is good.
I can die happy. I saw MxPx perform. :) :) :) :) :) :) It was hot but not unbearable. We survived and had an amazing time. Happiness.
All in all, I had an awesome time and I'm going back next year. :)Current Mood:  bouncy Current Music: Panic! at the Disco - The Only Difference... |
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Aug. 8th, 2005 @ 01:35 am
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I am the most excited for Warped Tour. My ticket came yesterday. I am so happy. Usually before concerts I'm like ehhh, I kinda don't wanna go anymore, cept for the first one I went to last year, I suck. I know. But, anyway, I'm the most excited ever for warped tour. :)
Bunch of shit went down this week.
I'll just say tonite. We went to Fun Zone. It was fun. And then we watched John Pinette and I couldn't fucking breathe and was banging on the walls and was making all sorts of noises. He is amazing. I clearly died on Ryan's bed. I'm too lazy to recap the week now. Probably will be to lazy to ever. I'll just say that I danced in public and I wasn't drunk. (For you Ryan... Let me hit you with my denim cock.) |
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Aug. 5th, 2005 @ 04:26 pm
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I need to stop eating taco bell.
Three times this week and counting.
YUMMMMMMS! |
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Aug. 4th, 2005 @ 02:01 am
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I'm very emotional at the moment. Due to the fact that I never fully dealt with shit from two years ago and it's pent up now and getting to me. Bleh. I feel like I need to just veg out behind the tv for a few hours and feel sorry for myself and sort everything out in my brain. I've been letting shit build forever now and ignoring it and I don't think I can continue to ignore it without going insane. </confusing-nonsense> |
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Aug. 4th, 2005 @ 01:54 am
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Dougie - thank you for tonight. x 10000000. |
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I am going to see saw 2 with ryan on his birthday and I'm going to sit in his lap and cry from terror. I want to see it so bad, but I know now that I'm going to be hiding in his arm that is ALWAYS mine. It belongs to me at the movies. :) But I will be sitting in his lap. I can see it now.
Ryan, you must get us masks. Steal them from the hospital. :) I love the fact that you work there. You steal everyone laxatives too, it's 100% awesome. I still remember when I called you and left you the voicemail begging for citroma. haha :)
We drove past the witches house tonight and Katrina had an asthma attack. Seriously, not scary at all, just freaky looking. This was after Fridays, which raises the question why everything we do involves food. Anyway, on the way back from the witches house, there was a black man walking down sunrise highway, as we are stopped at a light with no shirt on and the fattest stomach known to man. I at that moment fell out of the seat and onto the floor laughing exclaiming "WHAT IS IT WITH YOUR CAR AND CRAZY BLACK PEOPLE?!?" No offense to the black people, because white people are far crazier, but still, it's a magnet.
I want to do this to someone, I want to make someone watch the grudge and put a walkie talkie under their bed and make the noises. haha, I can't believe it, ryan was crying he was lauging so hard. Poor tree. The funniest thing I've heard of though, seriously. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my life.
My finger is swollen and in pain, it's 100% awesome. My hands are the biggest mess ever from work. I haven't even been eating my fingers, which is an ALWAYS for me. But my finger hurts soo fucking bad right now. Omg, throbbing in pain. And I love how I look at ryan and point at my finger and he points at his sunburnt face. haha. no sympathy...lol.
My face is so broken out, probably because sweat like a beast in my sleep because I sleep under at least one blanket. I looove the blankets. :) Ryan told me that I should opt to get sun cancer and burn my face because it will clear my face up. Thats always an option.
I need to stop being an update whore. Okay, bed I think. |
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Aug. 2nd, 2005 @ 12:48 am
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Haha, I'm an updating fiend lately.
Clearly, tonight in the car as we ate some oh so healthy taco bell, Ryan was probably the most embarrassed ever. Haha, 3 girls talking about boobs and ryan eating his frisbee. Sooo funny, and the longest conversation of life. SOOOO funny. I love how we sit in the car next to dumpster everytime we eat there. And, I'm about to piss myself thinking about this right now, we are the most horrible people ever. We're talking and all of a sudden this black dude rides over on a bike to Tree's car. Ryan's like "ask him what he wants!" but Laura and I are like "DRIVE NOW!! DRIVE NOW!!" and the fucking light over us goes out as he's standing there so we just drove away. We are the most horrible people ever.
Tree is anti the dying of my hair. She said that it's not gonna stay in my hair because my hair is too light and that I'm gonna have roots that I'll never be able to hide. Boooo. I still want to dye my hair blue from like 5 years ago. Ry is commmmpppplllleeetely against that - asked me why I was Clementine and said "PEOPLE WILL LOOK AT YOU FUNNY" I don't care what people look at me like, I want blluuueee hair - it so would match my car. Oh well. I'm contemplating going redder or maybe highlights again - those looked simply amazing. Maybe bangs, oh lord, I need change, I haven't cut my hair in a year - I suck at life. Clearly, Tree will be my consultant. Apparently she likes it better curly. Haha, the easy way to do it :) Everytime I'm indecisive about how I like my hair she brings up the days of high school when she died when I walked in with curly hair and asked if I curled it and I went, nooo - I just always straighten it and she went "Ohhhhh, I like it curly." Hmm. I've been proud of myself lately, I've been avoiding the pony tail that I am always so in love with.
I hate my sleep habits. I got home from Chilis and I napped for like 3 hours. And now I'm going between bursts of energy and being a second from passing out onto the keyboard.
I'm looking forward to being somewhat busy for the next week or so. I like being busy, I get tired faster, but I like it.
I'm looking forward to next semester. I'm apprehensive, but excited.
I need to go back to school, because I'm a brat when I'm home. I seriously tell my mom to do shit for me constantly, I suck. 27 days.
This weekend I can see now, that all I'm going to want to do is sleep once it's over.
I want to go to the beach tomorrow but I have to work. Boo. Tree says to call in sick, I'm too nice for that. Oh well. :/ |
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Ryan (in Panera, mid-meal): Do you want PANCAKES? (said while making the most excited face ever.)
I'm still laughing from this.Current Mood: amused |
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